So I'll just update my lil blog here.

I've started a new, private blog. It's a really nice outlet where I can just write anything I feel and think and don't have to worry about who will see it or what they'll think or say. No, you can't have the link. Sometimes, it's nice to just get my words out there into the breeze so it can sweep everything away

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I find myself single again, and not looking. I'm comfortable with just myself. Sure, some days I would string a leprachaun up by it's ankles if I could only cuddle with someone I care about, but I deal with it pretty well most times.

This last month or so has been absolute hell for me. Friends are coming and going, people I want to be with forever are finding something else is necessary. So I turn into myself, finding my silver glow again and running with it. I'm finding I'm much more resilient than I thought I was. When something similar happened almost 5 years ago, I was destroyed. I thought I was again, but now, I'm doing just fine. It's okay to miss them, it's okay to be sad.

So now I find myself bored a lot, so I travel to nw Iowa to see my friends. I quit school (again, I know.) But I'm somewhat glad I did. If I hadn't quit school, I wouldn't have had the resources and time to explore my life. I'm irritated that it had to come to that again, but I'll deal with it as it goes. For now, I'm just enjoying my friends, taking care of my house, and finding my own magic in amazing ways.

In taking care of the house, and myself, I realize that I haven't done any of it since I was little!! I haven't done chores, or cleaned up after myself, or anything. I can't believe I came so far away from what I was so used to doing! (And I'll tell you, it's VERY tiring.) So I took some advice from mom. When I get upset or in a bad mood, clean till it hurts, pass out on a nice soft bed, and enjoy the cleanliness when I wake up.

I climbed up my grainbin again the other day and being up there was so enlivening. I couldn't believe how much work it took to get my big ass up there! When I was younger, I was thinner and more toned and used to doing all that stuff. Then, I got halfway up the ladder, looked down, and my adult self was scared! I couldn't freaking believe it, and was actually mad at myself for being afraid. I'd climbed that grainbin SO many times as a kid without a second thought and laughed in the faces of anyone who told me it was reckless or dangerous or whatever. So, I pushed past the fear, got to the top, and then I realized the chain ladder that was usually draped in the opening, was all wound up where I was supposed to sit! Having to push past the panic, I tried to lift the ladder and move it. It's too freaking heavy.... so I curled up on the bottom rung, wedged between the hand holds and sat there until my leg went numb because I was sitting sideways on it... So I started my descent... which was amusing cuz halfway down my pants dropped to my ankles *rolls eyes* at least it was just me out there. I just laughed it off. When I got to the bottom part of the ladder, my legs and back were scratched to hell by trees that are growing on each side of the ladder. I just laughed it off. It was nice for nature to touch me. But since it startled me and my phone rang and scared me, I missed the bottom rung and fell on my ass. XD Oh well.

I went out to the old farm to reconnect with the childhood I barely remember and to clear my head or think about what needed to be thought of. I found the front door locked, but found the key in the old familar place. Walked through the house (all but the basement. I escared of spiders. Even if it WAS winter) Sat on mom and dad's bedroom floor and just talked out loud to the world. Then, before I left my thoughts upset me so I sat and screamed at God. Looking back, it felt amazing to do that. I'd lost myself. Lost my love of nature. Lost... too much.

For a while I was tempted to go to Vegas with my twin aunts on a spirit-quest. That's all I can learn from them because the rest is inside. I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I'm still struggling with the idea of moving to nw iowa for a while to be closer to nature and friends. I'll decide when it's right I suppose.

I'm searching for magic and inspiration. And I'm finding it.

So, what is Kayla doing these days? She's cleaning and taking care of the house all the time (who knew, "housewifing" was a full time job. And it's just me here!!) I'm also working on a collage. I've discovered that I miss being creative and expressing myself. I can't draw like I used to, but throwing pics that speak to me onto a piece of posterboard is nice. I'm also looking for a job but it seems like no one is hiring (for now, I'm trying to stay away from places like McDonalds and Walmart because they don't seem to treat their employees very well, plus, I want something that will teach me something I can use forever. If I truly can't find anything, I'll resort to them.) But sometimes I feel like I'm resisting, and I know I shouldn't be. But I'm doing applications, looking around, at least trying. The economy seems to be closing a lot of doors but I'm sure I'll find something.

I just read back through this blog and it sounds so upbeat and positive! I like the sound of it, although I must admit I'm not in an upbeat mood. I'm bored and tired and blahhhh.. but oh well.

I'm also working with my counselor, getting my meds straightened out, hanging out with mom at hockey games, rolling my own cigs ($8/pack is stupid...)

So, I miss nature. I miss it SO much I could go stircrazy here in Des Moines. I'm not sure what I need to do about it. Smalltown Iowa isn't exactly what I thrive in, but so many people can, maybe I should try it for a while. Meh. I wish my friends were closer. I have one or two down here, but it doesn't seem like enough. Never been awesome at making friends, but I am FAR more social. It's a step. They're all steps to becoming who I want to be. Choosing the people I want in it, and choosing the way I wish to be treated.

I still struggle with issues in my head. I still struggle with things I feel. But I don't disregard them. If I do that, it builds up and I'll explode. I just wish everyone was open enough to talk it out with them. Maybe some day

So right now, I'll close this blog with saying I want to drive to nw Iowa to see my friends for a bit again. I'm broke but mom offered to fill my tank. I don't want to take her money and accidently get stranded up there with not enough to get back or whatever. But I do want to go. There are some things that keep me here, some things that keep me there. Still trying to juggle it all...