So I'll just update my lil blog here.

I've started a new, private blog. It's a really nice outlet where I can just write anything I feel and think and don't have to worry about who will see it or what they'll think or say. No, you can't have the link. Sometimes, it's nice to just get my words out there into the breeze so it can sweep everything away

I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I find myself single again, and not looking. I'm comfortable with just myself. Sure, some days I would string a leprachaun up by it's ankles if I could only cuddle with someone I care about, but I deal with it pretty well most times.

This last month or so has been absolute hell for me. Friends are coming and going, people I want to be with forever are finding something else is necessary. So I turn into myself, finding my silver glow again and running with it. I'm finding I'm much more resilient than I thought I was. When something similar happened almost 5 years ago, I was destroyed. I thought I was again, but now, I'm doing just fine. It's okay to miss them, it's okay to be sad.

So now I find myself bored a lot, so I travel to nw Iowa to see my friends. I quit school (again, I know.) But I'm somewhat glad I did. If I hadn't quit school, I wouldn't have had the resources and time to explore my life. I'm irritated that it had to come to that again, but I'll deal with it as it goes. For now, I'm just enjoying my friends, taking care of my house, and finding my own magic in amazing ways.

In taking care of the house, and myself, I realize that I haven't done any of it since I was little!! I haven't done chores, or cleaned up after myself, or anything. I can't believe I came so far away from what I was so used to doing! (And I'll tell you, it's VERY tiring.) So I took some advice from mom. When I get upset or in a bad mood, clean till it hurts, pass out on a nice soft bed, and enjoy the cleanliness when I wake up.

I climbed up my grainbin again the other day and being up there was so enlivening. I couldn't believe how much work it took to get my big ass up there! When I was younger, I was thinner and more toned and used to doing all that stuff. Then, I got halfway up the ladder, looked down, and my adult self was scared! I couldn't freaking believe it, and was actually mad at myself for being afraid. I'd climbed that grainbin SO many times as a kid without a second thought and laughed in the faces of anyone who told me it was reckless or dangerous or whatever. So, I pushed past the fear, got to the top, and then I realized the chain ladder that was usually draped in the opening, was all wound up where I was supposed to sit! Having to push past the panic, I tried to lift the ladder and move it. It's too freaking heavy.... so I curled up on the bottom rung, wedged between the hand holds and sat there until my leg went numb because I was sitting sideways on it... So I started my descent... which was amusing cuz halfway down my pants dropped to my ankles *rolls eyes* at least it was just me out there. I just laughed it off. When I got to the bottom part of the ladder, my legs and back were scratched to hell by trees that are growing on each side of the ladder. I just laughed it off. It was nice for nature to touch me. But since it startled me and my phone rang and scared me, I missed the bottom rung and fell on my ass. XD Oh well.

I went out to the old farm to reconnect with the childhood I barely remember and to clear my head or think about what needed to be thought of. I found the front door locked, but found the key in the old familar place. Walked through the house (all but the basement. I escared of spiders. Even if it WAS winter) Sat on mom and dad's bedroom floor and just talked out loud to the world. Then, before I left my thoughts upset me so I sat and screamed at God. Looking back, it felt amazing to do that. I'd lost myself. Lost my love of nature. Lost... too much.

For a while I was tempted to go to Vegas with my twin aunts on a spirit-quest. That's all I can learn from them because the rest is inside. I know that now, but I didn't know that then. I'm still struggling with the idea of moving to nw iowa for a while to be closer to nature and friends. I'll decide when it's right I suppose.

I'm searching for magic and inspiration. And I'm finding it.

So, what is Kayla doing these days? She's cleaning and taking care of the house all the time (who knew, "housewifing" was a full time job. And it's just me here!!) I'm also working on a collage. I've discovered that I miss being creative and expressing myself. I can't draw like I used to, but throwing pics that speak to me onto a piece of posterboard is nice. I'm also looking for a job but it seems like no one is hiring (for now, I'm trying to stay away from places like McDonalds and Walmart because they don't seem to treat their employees very well, plus, I want something that will teach me something I can use forever. If I truly can't find anything, I'll resort to them.) But sometimes I feel like I'm resisting, and I know I shouldn't be. But I'm doing applications, looking around, at least trying. The economy seems to be closing a lot of doors but I'm sure I'll find something.

I just read back through this blog and it sounds so upbeat and positive! I like the sound of it, although I must admit I'm not in an upbeat mood. I'm bored and tired and blahhhh.. but oh well.

I'm also working with my counselor, getting my meds straightened out, hanging out with mom at hockey games, rolling my own cigs ($8/pack is stupid...)

So, I miss nature. I miss it SO much I could go stircrazy here in Des Moines. I'm not sure what I need to do about it. Smalltown Iowa isn't exactly what I thrive in, but so many people can, maybe I should try it for a while. Meh. I wish my friends were closer. I have one or two down here, but it doesn't seem like enough. Never been awesome at making friends, but I am FAR more social. It's a step. They're all steps to becoming who I want to be. Choosing the people I want in it, and choosing the way I wish to be treated.

I still struggle with issues in my head. I still struggle with things I feel. But I don't disregard them. If I do that, it builds up and I'll explode. I just wish everyone was open enough to talk it out with them. Maybe some day

So right now, I'll close this blog with saying I want to drive to nw Iowa to see my friends for a bit again. I'm broke but mom offered to fill my tank. I don't want to take her money and accidently get stranded up there with not enough to get back or whatever. But I do want to go. There are some things that keep me here, some things that keep me there. Still trying to juggle it all...

MAJOR EDIT : Alright, so I didn't just jump the gun, I leaped it with pogo sticks strapped to my ankles.

I am NOT leaving for Vegas in a month. I'm staying right here, in Des Moines. I'm going to put all my energies into finding myself, finding what I like and don't like, finding who I am and why, and if I need to change it.

Someday, I WILL be going to Vegas on a spiritual quest. That day is not today.

For now, I need consistency and a goal. My goal is Vegas and my consistency is my own.
-----------------------------

Well, the time has come. After deliberating for some time on the decision, I've finally made my choice. If I get my way, I will be shipping myself off to Las Vegas in less than a month. March 10th or so actually.

Yes, this means that I will be once again dropping out of school. This will be my third time dropping out of community college. Please do not lecture me on my decision. I have given it many many nights of thought and I seem to keep being led back to this decision.

Please don't be sad while I am away, I will come home to all the people that love me, hopefully better and personally stronger than ever. I don't know how long I will be gone, though I'm starting with a month.

Out of all the factors involved in this decision, the one that is tearing at my heart the most is being away from my friends. It is going to be incredibly hard for us all.

My decision was between either moving back to nw Iowa, racking up the debt and taking off to Ireland, or disappearing all together. I chose to go to Vegas to stay with my aunts who are in touch with a lot of the things I've loved and have been fascinated with. They're strong, loving people and I hope to grow as a person and a soul while I'm there.

My phone is going with me to the best of my knowledge, and I will have internet access. I decided to do this because when I was away from Des Moines I was happy. I need to get out of Iowa for a while.

I would really, really, really like to see all of my friends before I go. I'd like to spend a night with each one of you so please let me know asap when this will be possible. ALL OF YOU, my closest friends.

Please, stand behind me in my choice to better myself. Give me strength where I waver and hope where I am scared.
Love,
Kayla

Yes, all of you, my dearest, and even not so dear, friends.

I'm writing to talk to you. To communicate with you. I hope you read this, and if you know any of my or our friends that don't have the internet, please share this with them; I would greatly appreciate it.

I know that lately I've been horribly distant. I've ignored and not returned phone calls, failed to visit or write, just been flat out unfriendlike. For this, I wish to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I've been confused about life lately and I'm putting all of my focus into becoming something I actually like. I've taken a good hard look at some things and thanks to a few concerned ones of you, and some hard work, I've realized some errors.

Most of all, my errors have been treating you all horribly. I've been trying to balance my time and I've failed. I realize that you "can't get by in life with only one person."

I have much more work ahead of me, in changing my life into something I truly love, through and through. What I'm here to say now is:

I'm sorry. I want you by my side, all of you, my dearest friends from past and present. I want to reconnect, I want my friends back. If I've hurt you too much for this to become possible, I will grieve the loss of your friendship. I'm not claiming that I'm going to be perfect. But I'm going to try my hardest to see past my own things, and see you. Yes, you.

Please, I know some of you have given me a lot of chances and I've shit on them. But keep trying, please. I really do miss you... all of you.

I'm horrible at scheduling visits, but I do have a phone. We can talk for hours, and I will bear mom bitching about the cell bill. You're more important than money to me. If you don't want me to worry about a cell bill, email me. I also have unlimited texting on my phone.

Now, the thing most of you have been irritated about. Please let me explain. I'm dating a guy now, most of my friends know him. He's been a big part of my life lately and has helped in so many ways I can't put into words. I know that I've been monopolizing all my time with him when I get the chance, and it's because he lives 2.5 hours away from me. Now, please understand that I will still be spending as much time as possible with him. He means the world to me. But I want my friends in that world.

So please, if you can find it in your heart to forgive, and set a little bit of time aside to reconnect with me, I will try to do the same. It'll be tough, but if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it. I don't ask that you forgive me outright, I've been far too crappy for that, I just ask that you give it another chance.

Love you, all.

Kayla

It's begun again. That feeling of being helpless, hopeless, and all out lost. I feel like I'm lapsing back into what I used to be. nothing but a shadow, a wraith among man. I've got a pretty decent life. I know I've got a man that loves me, friends that care, a safe household. And yet there's this menacing feeling deep within me. Like I'm not meant to have a full life. It's a very hard feeling to have, and I thought I was rid of it.

I'm 100% sure that my medication isn't helping like it should. I cry a lot, I've been thinking of starting up cutting again (which is insane, I hate scars now!!!!)... my dermatillomania has gotten out of control. I feel like a diseased, used up, struggling shadow of a person. This isn't me. I know it's not. It's not who I want to be.

I feel so selfish, thinking of all this. I don't know why. I know that my loved ones need me to be there for them. With all my heart I would do anything I can to ease their suffering. But right now my mind is all blurry. It's blurred with all these issues spoken and unspoken. How do I take a handle on it, and still show the people I love, that I LOVE THEM?

So now I lose a few more days, or weeks, or months, to getting my meds sorted out, to get my mind back to stable, my heart to heal... I hate losing all this time. I only have so much, and those that love me can only have so much patience... I wish I could show them how much I'm hurting. How much these thoughts and feelings that are so unlike what I want, haunt me. Maybe they would have more patience. Maybe they could understand just a little bit and hold me closer. Maybe when I see the ones I love, we'd love like we'd never see each other again. I don't know. I don't feel like I know much of anything anymore.

My philosophy book has positively dazzled me of late. Yet some of the realizations are haunting me. A sort of truth I couldn't grasp before. I just wish others knew of it and took it in like I do.

How do I bring others into myself? How do I show them all I feel and know, all my world as it is. Especially Brian. How do we bridge this gap that is forming in my heart? I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I don't know what to say anymore, to anything..

I''m home!!

This weekend I went with Kendra to go camping and then go to our Slipknot/Disturbed concert. I was so excited to leave on thursday I couldn't even sit still waiting to be picked up. I finally got picked up, went to Kendra's, watched Howl's Moving Castle, and then went to bed. We left bright and early next morning (6am) and drove all the way to Illinois. We dropped off her parents and then went and set up the campsite. We were so tired we went to bed early but TONS of people drove by our site and it was annoying. One even pulled into our site and sat there a few times. Kendra went out and tried to confront them once but they drove away. We were cranky. It didn't help that somewhere, live music was going and it was LOUD, and the guy was a horrible vocalist. nothing like bad music as a lullabye. We woke up, had a breakfast after battling it out with the fire (again, hard to light. being difficult) and figuring out the secret to the cast-iron skillet.

That day we went to the mall in Joliet and met up with Karol, Kyle, and Gordon. We got our usual greeting from Kyle, a flying hug that nearly knocks us down. Walked around a bit, bought myself some new cheap shoes (since my dumbass forgot my tennis shoes. Flip-flops at Slipknot concert?? no way.) Then we went to BD's (the best Mongolian grill there is around) Had a bunch of laughs and then went out to the truck as it was POURING rain. We were all soaked and so was the inside of the truck because we left the windows down for Tootsie (Kendra's dog who we had to take with us cuz we couldn't leave her at the campsite. Don't worry, she had food and water!!!) got a lil turned around on the way to Walmart, I was dead tired so I stayed in the truck while they played around. Kendra, Karol and I all went back to the campsite and had a lot of fun that night. (Even though Karol probably doesn't remember it. SAD!! "Bitch, I mean darling, make me a sammich!!!!! Oh, make Charlie a sammich to! I'm sooo sorry you're charlie." She even called me a slut and said the horrific c-word and it didn't phase her. It was a great time.

Sunday we got up, had breakfast, and headed to the concert. We got there, a huge place (amphitheatre), stood in line, Kendra was told she had to remove the chains on her pants even though they didn't come off so she had to rip them off, walked in, got handed a program and saw that our bands didn't even start till 835!!! We were supposed to leave town by 7 cuz Kendra's mom had surgery the next day! They both start walking back to the car which was quite a trip and I stayed by myself people watching cuz my feets were killing me and I'm fat and out of shape. haha. They came back, Karol was so pissed she was almost crying, and we were all worried about her mom. We were basically told either stay there and make mom travel really really early (concert ended at 11pm-ish) or come home and miss our concert. We were all so upset and mad and near crying that we just decided to leave. I was ultra upset because the ticket cost was my bday present from my mom. I said something about it and Karol paid me back for my ticket. I felt bad for taking the money though............ We get back to where Kendra's parents were staying and there were a shit ton of people there, making my mood worse. After a brief trip to walmart (again) we came back and i had to be social.It fucking sucked because I was in a horrible mood. Kendra's dad even yelled at her for wasting the money!!!!! I couldn't fucking believe it. I wanted to yell at him but he's scary. lol.

We're gonna bitch to ticketmaster and see if we can't get a refund cuz they didn't say a damn thing about 12 other bands, and it made it seem like disturbed and slipknot's concert started at 2pm.

So at 6pm-ish we head back to Iowa... all in all I had fun, but I'm severely disappointed both for me, and for my friends. I loved camping, and I loved seeing Karol even more. But a 5 hour trip in a truck with 4 people and a dog.... >.<

Anyway.

All weekend I didn't get to talk to Brian and that sucked. He left me a couple voicemails just saying he loved me. I called a couple times and texted several times and got nothing in return..... So I'm worried.

Now I'm home and even after telling him I'd be home today, no call. So, I called him now that all is quiet and his phone is off. I'm guessing it's dead but I'm a bit upset that he didn't make sure to have it on because he knew I was coming home. So now I'm upset on top of this weekend.

I put in a financial aid appeal since it was cancelled and haven't heard back yet. I need to know soon because classes start in... *checks* oh fuck. 2 weeks. I hope I hear soon!!! So I'm all sorts of stressed out and worried and irritable and blah..................... too much stuff in my head lately. I don't know what to do. I need to talk to my counselor but she's just had a baby and won't be back for 6 weeks!!!! >.< I'm gonna freak out.

I need to do laundry to kill any remaining camp buggies, and I need to shower too, but right now I'm just trying to chill out. Soooo...... *deep sigh*

dunno what else to say.

Drained, dirty, tired, wound up emotionally....
--Kayla